Almost a month since my last entry and I've been stable as stable for me gets.
At the time of my last post I was hesitant to even admit I'd considered the choice I'd made. Four weeks and lots of continued work later, I'm still feeling secure in this decision. I can't give you details because I trust my love and she trusts me. But this morning in therapy I described my present emotional landscape as a place I've never been before.
"That's what we call healthy attachment," my therapist responded.
So here it is. I've worked three and a half years backtracking through miles of my own trauma to understand why I am the way I am, who that person is, that she is incredibly strong and capable, and likable even. And in knowing why I feel pain, in relation to my encounters with my first caregivers, I'm able to translate the sometimes overwhelming emotional responses I have that surround present events. I am able to walk myself through a change in perspective. I am able to understand the motivations of others at more than a primal level. I am better able to contemplate, take slow, measured breaths, and walk slowly in a direction that is safe for me. I've been able to shake off the confusion of self-doubt, and vowed to take responsibility for myself and my emotions.
The world is going to shit, and I am finally living my autonomy. I am choosing my life.
I am forty-five and I now know what a secure romantic attachment feels like. It is tireless in its effort to embody unconditional love. It is all of the qualities cultivated that look like charity:
The absence of jealousy
Honesty with the self and acceptance of the other's truth
Having the highest opinion of both the self and the other
Without suspicion or guile
Perseverance in the face of possible failure
Common hope and belief in the union
Willingness to both "come back" and "take back" in order to resolve every possible schism
Apparently, this is how it's always been done. And now, having successfully converted blueprint into edifice, we are ready to build our future together in this dying world one structure of love at a time.