Wednesday, May 27, 2020


A few days ago, knowing I was neglecting updates, I started a post about knowingly staying in a relationship with a person who exhibits narcissistic behavior. I kept writing and writing. If I'd finished, my explanation was going to be clear and rational. It overtook me and became thesis-length, with various logical side arguments, until I had to click "save" and go to bed. You'll likely never see it.

It's awesome, though, how you can leave K— alone for a week after her behavior spirals well beyond the point of emotional abuse, and it provokes more, worse behavior. I could write up a transcript of our last text conversation, but I'm tired. It's 6:38 p.m. and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to 8 p.m.

It's almost laughable, this final exchange. Final.  And then she came back an hour later, apologized for hurting me, admitted that she was trying to hurt me with her words, wished me well, conveyed hope that we can be good friends again one day, and to wrap it all up, "And maybe...Well, who knows the future?" This dangling hook is her signature. She's got a kid lined up for a hook up using the same hook when she put him on hold to "make it work" with me. It was work, that is true. 

I don't need the past crap. None of it. Which makes leaving that hook and line dangling pretty damn gratifying. I'd tell her to go find someone else, but I'm not cruel. No one deserves this toxicity. Especially not me.

B— "graduated" from the 8th grade. The pandemic is bringing us closer together one day at a time. He's such a delightful young man. Beautiful, really. I'm glad of the four years I have left to share rooms, a kitchen, and bathroom with him. I glad of the towering hugs with which he engulfs a little me before saying goodnight. I'm glad of all my children who've been waiting patiently for me to stop negative influences from wreaking havoc on my self love.

I got so lost in this one.

Ever wandering back out of every problem I get myself into, I am a daughter of Eve. I mean, not literally, cuz that's just illogical. But after her heart nonetheless. 

I think the breathing will be easier tomorrow.

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