Saturday, May 2, 2020

5/1/2020


I can't explain.

I have worked so hard to make this relationship work. I wanted it to. But I broke up with K— yesterday afternoon knowing it was for good. I could say it was all a misunderstanding, but when contradictions overwhelm cognition until doubt floods the perceptions, when taking to task those contradictions results in emotive expressions of unkindness and duplicity that knock mental health from its footing, what can I say? I'm not going to fight her. I don't know why I would. 

So I bagged up three years of keepsakes, clothing, her credit card, and house keys, and took them to her front door. I can hardly remember what I said. It was hurried and to the point. I said something like, "Because there are only imperfect people, there is only imperfect love." Which may have been dramatic, but she'd already started her display of emotion. I'm done. I don't think she'd been genuinely invested in us for a while. I'm ready to be single.

And I'm not. Because Covid-19, and because I am lonely, and because even breakups for the right reasons take a toll on the heart.

I tell myself this is self-care. When I say the words they resound in my body true and pure. 

I've got to focus myself, meditate, follow the rational resolve that gave me the push to put my ex-girlfriend down and start carrying myself.

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