Thursday, April 23, 2020

4/23/20


What am I thinking today, and how does it fit in the puzzle of location?

My mother and I have taken cautious steps over the last couple of months in brief emails. So far I am comfortable in the exchange. Distant language. This morning I thought about less distance. I'll continue to think on that. There is what is imagined and what is. There are the countless interpretations of both. There is also as it is. Again, I am comfortable. 

Boundaries are nothing more than the safest distance from everything.

We're surrounded by a 9% growth in infection in this county. I have a tickle in my throat this morning. Three days ago the cashier at the convenience store stifled a couple of coughs. He seemed pale, perhaps clammy. The plexiglass guards dividing consumer from employee certainly have some effect in blocking transmission. How much, I don't know. States in the south are opening commerce regardless of infection/death rates. The push to open Utah is growing. I think patience would be wise. Wisdom is an acquired attribute, much like COVID-19 is an acquired novel virus. I don't know that persons ever have a clue about what they're getting themselves into. We shall see.

I slept at K—'s last night. B— is almost fifteen and fine staying nights by himself. I feel okay with leaving him on his own most of the time. I feel pangs of uncertainty the rest. There are pros and cons to living separate from my partner. I assume the same would be the case were we cohabiting. For now this is the for now. 

This morning's breakfast: coffee and toast. The toast I buttered, layered with a slice of Colby Jack cheese, a few slices of avocado, sea salt, pepper, and a fried egg flavored in hot sauce. I have the best breakfasts at K—'s house. She makes coffee in her French press and I take a large, steaming mug onto the front porch to enjoy the first cigarette of the day. Today the pavement was still wet from the cold evening rain, but the temperature is pleasantly cool, decidedly spring.

I've contemplated hiking, reading, sewing face-masks for my kids. I've also thought about beginning the letter to my mother my therapist assigned me to write several months ago explaining what my relationship wit K— means to me. This will of course be a "freezer letter"; one written and stored safely on ice until I'm ready to send. First matter at hand—writing the letter. K— and I have turned a new corner in the last few weeks, turned a beautiful blank page waiting for our fresh perspective on trust and commitment. I have material for the task. I'm ready to express the tenderness, growth, and delight afforded by the past three years and two months. But not right now. Next in the unrolling of written days during this, the time of Corona.


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