Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Passing the flame

It's no secret the marriage has been strained. 

What's to be expected after stroke? Especially as extensive as Mr. PNU's.

I guess what's been hardest are expectations. Who am I suppose to be in all of this? What does that look like? Is is true to myself? Is it true to the marriage? And when I fall short do others get to judge?

It's been hard fought to figure out. 

Tonight, it sort of figured itself out for both of us. I can't trust him. And he really has no business trusting me. Not as a wife, anyway. I've been there as support. Ass-wiper. Chauffeur. Stage crew. Cameraman. That sort of thing. But the intimacy died months ago, and we've been good friends. Constants. Companions. Ish. 

So I shouldn't be surprised that in the hastiness of decisions, his was to contact his case worker about legalities of divorce. Right? I mean, the word had been tossed around in the form of a possibility, even though I'd never face it head on as what was going to happen to us. It was always separation, and then me as support. Even if I didn't know how I'd do that, or why.

In the grand scheme of plans forever means forever means forever. Even if I'd fallen in love outside of the marriage. Even if my heart was elsewhere. Even if I was suppressing everything that was becoming my life in terms of children, education, romance, finance, future, future, future.

And I've bucked a little at the chain of events. Reeled. Even though if I were honest in return the nature of my new world is in distinct contrast with Mr. PNU's. That's a hard pill. I'm barely swallowing. But I'm taking the medicine all the same. Because what's the use in fighting anymore? It's been over for a long time.

The hardest detail to ingest is that this was it for me in every regard. Fairytale. Story for the ages. The one.

The man.

And that, in a way, makes moving on to my darling woman that much easier. Even if it's serial. Even if it's got to struggle at stability. Even if it's scandalous and unethical and adulterous and kind of crazy.

Tonight I text her, "You are a light in this wilderness. Thank you for staying lit. I love you." 

And I mean it. For now, I mean it.

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