I'm convinced it's never like you think it will be, even though I'm here for the first time. The last two hours I read every article I could get my hands on, thought long and hard about the advice of my doctor, my therapist, two of my children, a few of my friends, and now I'm beginning to understand. I thought I could do this forever. Thought I could manic-pixie-dream my way through years of living for someone else. I never intended to resent him. But what else can I call my apathy over the past two months as it drained me inside out like a vampirized fruit. I'm a skin with a few useless seeds at the core. Everything sweet and pungent is gone.
I fill hours before sleep by skimming through websites for assisted living centers, wondering why I convinced myself that the saintly route was the right route, and that somehow I could walk it indefinitely. I'm wrecked. Gone. Hollowed out and devoid of spirit compass. We love people so hard we convince ourselves that relationships obligate us to the point that our giving care is and act of slow, poised dying.
We're planning to make the change after the end of the semester in May.