Sunday, July 10, 2016

Let me tell you about my toxic parent who will not respect boundaries

Each time in the last year that I've had to tell Anick that my mother has emailed, or messaged my kids, or texted one of us again, my therapist shakes her head and says, "And she's a therapist... You're not dealing with a rational woman, you know. You probably never will."

My mother's stalked my blog for the last couple of months. A while ago I directed a post at her to stop, and for about a week she did. Then I shut the blog down for a while thinking that would get the message across, it worked for another week or so. But she's back again. Every hit I get from Rexburg—that's her—every weekday around her lunch hour at work. I've checked with my friends who still live in the North Country; it's not them. And since I can track which posts are read, and this URL is all over anything that has to do with mother/daughter relationships the source of that URL is pretty easy to guess.

My request last year was pretty simple: Go get some help. Stay away while I heal. Give me space to get to where I can forgive. 

It's funny how someone can scream at you for years about not respecting boundaries or not thinking rules apply over small infractions, and then they turn around and trample any limitation you apply to try and heal from the damage they continue to wreak. Fact is, she's never respected me as a human being, autonomous or not. Her scrupulosity doesn't allow for that, and it's not as though she's suddenly going to wake up and change. The pattern is pathological at least, and that canyon she'd cutting keeps getting deeper and deeper, I think, probably, because if she actually did as I've requested it might appear that she acknowledged wrongdoing.

I get to a point where I think I'm making progress and then there's the URL again, disregarding a simple request. How I'm supposed to trust her enough to ever get to the point where we can have a relationship is beyond me. Consequences. They go both ways. 

So this is not some passive-aggressing attempt to get her to stop, because I'm with Anick in realizing my mother isn't the changing type. I am openly expressing the experience of this relationship: once stated that her abuse permeated my childhood and that it had to stop, I've being harassed, stalked, and my decisions about parenting/adulting continually infringed. It's more frustrating than I can express. But hey, this is the toxicity that raised me, and sadly, I'm familiar with the disrespect and invalidation. It can't stand to witness independent healthiness and not try to dig in and gaslight my narrative. How very Freudian.

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