Thursday, July 28, 2016

David Foster Wallace once told the Kenyon College graduating class of 2005 that capital-T Truth is about life before death.

Yesterday, a friend asked me to tell him what I believe.

For fifteen months, my husband has consistently won the lottery of health misfortune. He experienced the devastation of a massive MCA stroke, paralysis of half of his body, loss of 1/3 of his brain, function and mobility, and with that prospects for the future. He's had to rewrite his five year plan with edits that no one ever wants to make. He's lost independence, the relationship he had with his daughter, dreams of academic greatness, and hopes of a long life exploring the world with me once our children are raised.We took the eraser to the chalkboard, began again, started creating a new normal, and then I got the call that his thyroid biopsy came back malignant.

Let me write that again. I got the call that Mr. PNU's thyroid biopsy came back malignant. Our endocrinologist, a Muslim, was out of the office for the last two weeks of Ramadan, but he thought we should know. Because I have medical power of attorney, the nurse called me while I was out running errand. Paying the rent, I think. And so the task of Sweetheart, I have something I need to tell you, fell to me.

For "healthy" thyroid cancer patients, thyroidectomy, or removal of the gland, takes two to three hours, and an overnight hospital stay. Within ten days, patients can anticipate some pain and drainage at the incision cite before returning to normal activity. Afterward, survivors receive a single dose of radioactive iodine, assume Synthroid therapy, and life goes on.

Now we consider the risks associated with the surgery required to excise the malignant gland at the base of Mr. PNU's neck. 
I believe that a life of choices based on the teachings of Jesus Christ makes room for the greatest growth, the greatest good, and the greatest peace while we are alive. Those qualities highlighted in the sermon on the mount are requisite to becoming a fully developed human being. Charity and forgiveness are soul expanding.

If God is real, he/she had better not be an asshole. I don't do metaphysical mind games with my deity.

That life is really fucking hard even for people who try their best to do what's right and to do good in the world.

I think justice is a myth.

I think heaven isn't anything that you hear about in church. Eternal happiness doesn't make sense in the scheme of the God in the scriptures, so why would it be for us?

I think my life has felt strangely scripted for the last three years, and I can't make much sense of that. But lately I'm leaning toward determinism over free will. I just think I'm choosing.

I believe that if God is real they're working with me very patiently because it wouldn't be Godly of them to do otherwise.

I believe that everyone is precious and deserving of what little time and energy I have to give.

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