Thursday, January 29, 2015

Tremulous

My affect is fluttering. Mr. PNU is working with me, watching as my emo side comes slightly unfixed. He's being wonderfully supportive and loving, but I know it makes him anxious. We determine that I need more sleep. When I am asleep I sleep well, but my length requirements have dropped off. I've gone a week or two on sometimes less than five hours a night. We're praying hard that something will ignite in my belly. We're on to Maca Root and other fertility measures that seem silly for how easy it was to get pregnant ten years ago. Meantime, I freak out a little when I feel variations that wouldn't have bothered me when I had the Lithium as backup. It's true that I'm overly invested in writing right now. Maybe even fixated. 

I can't tell you how much I love my husband. I want so badly to do right by him as a wife that the stress of possible swings leaves me close to tears. We want a child of our own, but I don't want to turn into a monster. Though Mr. PNU is unbelievably forgiving and patient, that doesn't mean I want to test those limits. He's working so hard on co-authoring publications right now, and on tightening up articles for submission. I know he worries about our financial state, and that he feels unsuccessful because he hasn't secured a full time faculty position. Added stress will not help him. Sometimes I want to go back on the Lithium, but I worry that if I do that uncontrollable baby lust will come screaming back to life. I can't live with that. Even with a husband who is kind and understanding. I never want to have to live through that again.

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