I've convinced myself that I'm depressed. I think it's good that it's been so long that I'd forgotten what it felt like, but all the same, it sucks.
I'm also working very hard at poems. The ideas are growing and I'm piecing work together. Completion is another matter. So I'm going to give myself a break if I miss a day or two or three. The point is, I'm working every day.
Empedocles... Don't get me started. The man, the real philosophical Greek man, is going to be the foundation for my work for the rest of this semester and hopefully the next. The man who embodies the pseudonym. I think he's a lost cause. I think the heartbreak I'm going through is nasty and necessary. I think a quick fix would be nice and unlikely all at once.
I spent two hours trying to self-medicate with exercise tonight. Who should walk in but the Gym Rat? I'm telling you, he's beautiful. And I was half tempted to tell him as much tonight; waltz up to him and say, "You know, we're here at the same time often enough that I think you ought to know that you are one of the most physically beautiful men I've ever seen. And I want to thank you for coming here, on this particular night, because I have had a really shitty week and it is so nice just to look at you."
I had plenty of opportunities. He acts like he wants me to see him. Like standing in front of my stationary bike for a lengthy amount of time to "watch the game" on one of the screens in front of me. Like walking past me, with no real purpose, again and again. We're trading off glances. In fact, we came upon each other in passing and did one of those tangos trying to negotiate the space to get around each other. He's not pretty on the inside, I remind myself. He's not pretty on the inside, I remind myself.
Gah! He is aesthetically amazing.
I'm going to indulge in that since my aching heart can't take thoughts of my Empedocles. I desperately need a soul cleansing cry. I need to let the floodwaters rip through the dam in my chest and relieve this agony.
Caring for broken people breaks you in return.