Thursday, October 31, 2013

Connecting the dots

I'm coming up on three days since I took a deep breath and opened up, really spread myself wide and vulnerable, and gave a shot at feeling something more than I had since my divorce.

Tonight I'm caught up in the conflagration and agony of that choice. I'm finding it's less painful if I just give in to admitting as much. So as miserable as it is, I'm miserable. I made a formal proposition for a sort of affectionate arrangement, one I felt I could manage, one that really didn't ask for much in return, one that I knew would come to an end. Some might call this Friends With Benefits. I called it the only logical relationship I can give myself to, and I was certain it would be one the other person would be most likely to agree to become involved in as well.

I didn't get a conclusive answer, but it's feeling like "no". I know some people think it's an awful thing to dole out the "no", but leaving this sort of question unsatisfied is even worse. It's a passive aggressive sort of cruelty. And because I believed this was one of my best friends, it's hurts even more. My buddy, Greg, will tell you, giving it to me straight is the easiest way to keep me calm and maintain friendship. He and I went through this. We're like brother and sister now. So why not this other guy? He'll have to answer that. I hate that I feel both rejected and like I'm losing him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

So I sat at home alone tonight. I am hurt. I am lonely. (I have an acquaintance who once asked me how I could possibly ever feel lonely with four kids. You see, single parents give all the time. It's not that we are alone, but there isn't anyone who fills us. It's the deepest sort of loneliness.) 

I'm also a little angry. A lot angry. I'm furious at my last ex-husband. I'm furious at his betrayal, at the betrayal of the Church's leadership, at the lack of protection and compassion toward wives who go through that kind of treatment. I'm in agony that I'm coming up on a year since the worst span of that brief marriage. A year since the utter emotional detachment and abandonment. A year since the angry screaming and degrading language. A year since the absolute oppressive fear that I lived in whenever he was around. A year since he sexually assaulted me. A year since he grabbed me and shook me while screaming in my face because he'd left his desktop open and I looked at it's contents. A year since I curled into a ball, crying and begging him to stop while he taunted me, yelled and mocked me for how I'd acted in the Celestial Room of the temple the last time we went together. A year since he looked over my shoulder to see whom I'd voted for. A year since he screamed at me for eating after I brushed my teeth on Sundays. A year since he took no responsibility for anything wrong in the marriage beyond "occasionally raising his voice."A year since he told our bishop that I was crazy and that the only problems in the marriage were that he "never knew who he was going to wake up next to" and that I wanted to have a child.

I realized today that my anger isn't going to leave. I've admitted to some pretty heinous behavior during that marriage, I've taken the falls. But time and again anytime my ex was abusive in any way he blamed me for wanting a child, for wanting to have a kind and loving relationship with him. And when I leave to protect my children and my sanity I am handed full responsibility for being Bipolar. I'm pretty sure the bishop was completely on my ex's side. I was abandoned. I'm mad and hurt as hell.

Here I am now. No one dates women with four kids unless they're creepy or desperate. I am lonely. I am lonely. I have so much to give, and I am lonely.

I guess what I'm saying is that I need someone to fill me.

I'm not in a happy place.

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