Thursday, August 22, 2013

Accessing the heart blender

I am hopelessly in like with a guy friend who has expressed no interest in dating me. 

If I tell you he is something special it would ring cliche.  But one would suppose that his friendship is of high value, since I'm always wishing I could crush my heart after we hang out but I hang out with him of my own free will anyway. I tell myself this friendship is good for me because it encourages me to be a better person, to be my genuine self, to be a loyal friend in return, and because I am learning how to interact healthily with straight men.


He knows I'm interested. He sticks around anyway. We talk for hours and it is soothing, healing time for me. I need to count this as a blessing and not push for more than I've been given.

I need to find the 'puree' button.

So I go to the gym and gawk at a rat that I know only holds visual appeal and write stupid creative fluff when I'm really aching for this other friend, who is desperately seeking a 5' 10" blonde who can hold the same kind of conversations I can, but who is ten years younger and hasn't royally screwed up her life with multiple marriages and a gaggle of children.

I would say life isn't fair, but I've made my choices. Loneliness now is the bargain for having what I wanted then.

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