Thursday, June 13, 2013

Off guard

He defined it as more than lust, but definitely not a paced search for marriage. He said it was that feeling he gets when he sees an attractive girl and all he can think is to cradle her next to his heart.

Until he started sharing, because he says I am some kind of nexus for people to confide in, I was fine.

I still want to be fine.

I want to not look, to not want, to not feel that same longing he described.

My heart is unruly. It could pack a dozen different maps and not fret over which one I pull from the pack. It doesn't have to be a map to him. It doesn't have to be the one for Mr. PNU. But once my heart feels the hooks, it tugs at the line for a destination, even when I tell it to just stay still, because I can clip the barbs and send the metal back through. Don't struggle; I'll get us free.

I am fine.

I am still climbing mountains.

I am still planning the next three years and whatever else comes after. I'm being completely selfish about it, except for my children's needs, basing all decisions on what I want, what makes me happy. I want to live without regard for these sentimental schematics.

I am back to needing that damned blender for this fleshy, fallible thumper.

I am reading about evil, and self-deception. I don't want to be a liar.

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