Yesterday was hard.
All of this divorce crap; it's hard. Fearing that once my kids are gone that I won't have companionship; it's hard. Coming to grips with how I've been treated and processing all the emotions associated with it: it's hard.
M— spent most of the day by my side, talking to me, cheering me with her private brand of humor and sweetness. I would have made it through one way or another. Had I done it without her, I can't guarantee it would have been anything near graceful. As it was, I traversed the waves of emotion with sort of a bleary, soggy sort of grace.
My favorite parts of the day:
*Driving to University of Humble Pie where we found an empty dance studio, pulled out a barre, turned on some tunes via my iPod and speakers that didn't work very well, and moving through pliés. M— then took to watching as I improvised across the floor for some 20 minutes, until it got way too hot, and then we snuck back out. I haven't danced like that since I moved here in 2010. Talk about finding center.
*Grocery shopping. M— makes it an adventure every time. I'm only mildly concerned what people think of us. I shouldn't be concerned at all. This particular trip she found a water noodle and began using it as a prop in as many clever ways as she could conjure as we walked up and down aisles gathering foodstuffs for Sunday dinner. A Tele-Tubbie, the Pope, an elephant, a feral cat, a domesticated cat, Taurus the bull, a unicorn...
*Driving to the Lake, which didn't smell like fish for once, and walking along the path that borders the beach. We saw pelicans, geese, cormorants, and three deer, which got me thinking about Aldo Leopold, which got me thinking about land ethics, which got me thinking about this guy friend of mine who once gave me some of the best insight into men I've ever been given. He said, "Gudri, when you want to be with someone do you let anything get in your way?" He let me think about that before he continued. "If a guy is truly interested, if he wants to be with a girl, only that girl is going to keep him from trying. If a guy isn't there for you, don't make excuses for him as to why he's not." I think that was an nicely as he could put it. This might apply to many men I've been interested in. It applied to my husband during my marriage.