Saturday, January 12, 2013

Relapse

I'm writing this post out of necessary accountability. 

My real name is not Gudridur, but I am an alcoholic. My last drink was about 40 hours ago. Prior to that I was sober seven years and three months. In terms of addiction, I have relapsed. I drank a fifth of 80 proof Cointreau in an hour.

My husband and I have been back together for a week. It is far from easy, and even "difficult" wouldn't adequately describe the situation. He is not entirely at fault for that hardship. No more, at least, than I am. It is a marriage after all. I summed up our predicament this morning as: "Two unhappy, conflicted people trying to make a life together."

We have a long way to go to create a functional, healthy relationship. Neither of us seems presently capable of dealing with conflict in constructive ways. I include the follow only so I can look back and remind myself that the bottle will never be the answer for me. If you're sensitive to any sort of abuse topics, alcoholism, suicidal triggers, etc., consider yourself warned. I'm emotionally unwell. My husband is emotionally unwell. It's been an ugly, potentially fatal two days. I'm lucky to be alive.

Gudri
9:15 a.m. - I tell you everything I need, and you just continue to deny me.
9:18 a.m. - So when you say "let's try" I'm assuming that means you're not an option for getting my needs met.
9:20 a.m. - Not certain what good trying does at that point. Try to what? Deal with lack of fulfillment and validation and acceptance and emotional safety in my marriage?
9:21 a.m. - Why?
9:23 a.m. - I feel emotionally abandoned and rejected. And so I can hear "I love you" but it doesn't feel like love.
9:27 a.m. - Is that what I'm expected to try to deal with?
9:28 a.m. - You're not going to answer are you?
9:32 a.m. - Forget it. I really really needed you and your love and acceptance this morning. You couldn't even say you liked me. And the insistence that you love me? And now I'm just sitting here alone. Huge hole in my heart. Total abandonment.

Husband
9:37 a.m. - My phone was on silence and I didn't see your texts until I got here and pulled it out. I tried to call. 
(Serious problem #1. Gudri feels safe texting. Husband doesn't. Husband feels safe talking on the phone. Gudri doesn't.)
1:24 p.m. - Hope your day is going ok. Catching up with you between meetings. I do like you. Tons. I love you too. :)

Gudri
1:59 p.m. - As long as your hopes and dreams for the future take precedent over mine. I really don't believe you.
(No communication until 8 p.m. Husband leaves to take son to Church basketball game. Tells Gudri he is leaving. No speaking otherwise.)
8:24 p.m. - Staying for it too?
8:26 p.m. - Hello?
8:35 p.m. - I've been available all night. Remember that when you eventually decide you want some time with me and I'm asleep.
8:44 p.m. - But as it's more likely that you won't, remind me why I'm supposed to be happy about this marriage. I'm trying to remember why I came home.
8:48 p.m. - Oh, I forget you don't communicate anymore. Silly me.
8:54 p.m. - At least not with your wife. Everyone else gets that honor. You're not obligated to speak to her unless you feel like it. Chattel gots to learn her place. Dream when you're told to dream. Speak only when it's wanted. Want affection only when it's offered. Plastic girl like Barbie who would be most convenient if she didn't come equipped with her own agency and certainly not a womb. Get a job and support your husband's dreams. That's your purpose.

Husband
9 p.m. - Bc of events of this morning/today I hadn't anticipated much by way of communication esp both of us going on less than 3hrs of sleep. If communication is going to consist of sarcasm and unkindness I don't have the energy or disposition to do it. And certainly not by text. Plz get some sleep. I love you.

Gudri
9:02 p.m. - i.e.: shut the hell up you worthless bag of female. Thanks.
9:06 p.m. - i.e.: I have all the reason I need not to give you any level of importance today, you stupid wench. Go to bed and get out of my hair.
9:14 p.m. - i.e.: Stupid hoe-bag bitch isn't wanted. Can't she get a clue? *** I'm going to lock the door and get drunk. If this is really what God wants for me eternally my faith is dead.  I have no value unless I'm told by a man. My feelings are only valid if some priesthood holder tells me they are. I'm just a the Barbie doll of convenience. Be good little doll. Go to bed. Don't trouble me with your complaints. Be happy with what you're told to do. Find joy in submission and subservience. Don't get out of line or you're not charitable. Gah! I hate myself. I hate me life.
9:53 p.m. - One more shot and I'mma pass out. G'nite.
9:58 p.m. - Oh great noncommunicative one. Great uncaring m.aster. Oz boy and his curtain of trivks.
10 p.m. - Divorce me. I'm drunk. I know u wnat to. Now thees good reason. Jdt put yer bitvh away quietly. Fore she opens her
10:02 p.m. - Hell i cold drink the whole bottle and maybe we/nd have a fricken funwral!!! Wouldn't that be grand?
10:02 p.m. - Another shot. Lets see if we cN di it.
10:04 p.m. - Poor boy provly has his phone off cuz sh/ns such a hagatha. He doesn't have a lue tht she's drinkin i nto oblivion. Lol!
10:08 p.m. - Now validity for ms. Janey soo. Oly exosts if he gives her permission. God says this. God says that. God doesnt care that she's stuck as chattel. Or that she's drunk off her ass. God laughs at her desires to create temples. Wretched temple builder! You must be orthy of a man's approval. Curse your loins girl! Curse your love for your man. He doesn't want your twmples.
10:13 p.m. - Man who yells. Man who berates and cuits you don for brushing teeth ands for destroying you children. You got what you want good and fair. Nno respect. Your father all over. Wish he'd slap about alittle for fun. For ol times. That bit of a shake wasn't nearly rattling enough.
10:13 p.m. - Bottom of the botle insite.
10:15 p.m. - Poison poison tKe me out. Take my life with nary a shoutt.
10:19 p.m. - You'll let me die. You won't even care.
10:22 p.m. - Two more shots. It doesn't ebem mind the tste no more.
10:24 p.m. - Shall I add ativan: Are you even oaying any attention: Do you even give a shit oberut yer wife?
10:25 p.m. - Epitaph: he had a wonderful mind and a wonderful womb. But he woykldn't let her womb safe her.
10:26 p.m. - He's stuck w/[ex-wife"s name] wh really is doing her best. I they can forgie ea h othr,,, there"s a god and his queen.
10:28 p.m. - I'm no good fo more than secondary angel. With a rotted womb. It?ll be cut ou and I won't have to worry bout no temples no more.
10:28 p.m. - Two more shots. I dont want t wake up n mre
10:29 p.m. - Yer not listening. I get it.
10:32 p.m. - I'm so drunk. Cone f*** me my lover. Take yir Barbie body and fulfill yer wildest drams. She woin't remmber in the morning, and it will b e the best you're eve r hasd.

What happened after this last text is very foggy, if not altogether blank for me. My husband came home and brought M-- in to deal with me while he went to bed. When she couldn't deal with it any more, because I was saying that I wanted to die and that I was certain I was about to black out, my husband finally got involved. I began vomiting at 1 p.m. I continued to vomit for the next 12 hours, interspersed with varying levels of consciousness. I somehow posted once to Facebook during the ordeal.



When I couldn't stop vomiting the next day my husband, who'd decided to come home from work mid-morning to take care of me, took me to the emergency room.

Discharge notes from Happy Valley Regional Medical Center 1/11/2013:
(Following two litres of hydration with an IV drip, Zofran to stop nausea and excessive vomiting, and some prescription injection of a painkiller to alleviate extreme headache.)

Acute Alcohol Intoxication: Your evaluation revealed very high levels of alcohol. You can die from drinking a large amount of alcohol rapidly! Further, there's the risk of falls, traffic accidents, and fights. A high portion (about 50 percent) of the serious injuries seen in hospital emergency rooms are caused by alcohol.

Alcohol overdosage is usually due to an underlying emotional or psychiatric problem. You may benefit from counseling.

If "binge" drinking is an ongoing problem for you, or if you drink ANY amount of alcohol EVERY day, you most likely have a tendency to alcoholism. You should avoid alcohol totally. We can reger you for treatment. Persons with alcohol problems are often also prone to other addictions -- you should discuss any use of medications or drugs with the doctor.

You should be watched at home for the next several hours by someone who has not been drinking. Drink extra fluids for the next 24 hours. Call your doctor if there is repeated vomiting, increasing headache, decreasing level of alertness, or any other worsening.

I'm sick. I don't know if there's such thing as maternal psychosis, but if there is, I'm there. God eases the burden, but only in slight measure, and never with a "no", never with removal of the desire. I know so many women uninterested in reproduction. I don't know why I can't be one of them. 

This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

For right now, I need to just focus on flushing my body, which is still experiencing toxicity, and getting back to sober.

I'm sorry.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweety! I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I am praying for you!

    ReplyDelete