Sunday, January 20, 2013

A wife's confession

Nobody talks about this, unless they're apostate...

I'm married to my husband for eternity. Sealed. I'm no longer crazy about this fact. And, truth be told, I'm not looking forward to it. He's a nice enough guy if things are going his way, but enough has not gone his way that the part of him that isn't so nice has more or less killed off that deep love I once had for him. 

I'm here because I chose this, because I'm done dragging my kids through one marriage and mayhem to the next, and it's all fine and good to wash his clothes and make his meals and stand by him in the case that he actually shows any kind of serious gumption toward making all those dreams come true—you know, the ones that trump any of my dreams—and I sometimes even tolerate having him around just as a friend. But yeah... The romance and the yearning to be with him till the celestial cows come home no longer registers as a high point on my eternal to-do list. Which is actually helpful since sex once a month is enough for him. I'm a year and a half in, enduring to the end.

He used to talk about the possibility of me remarrying once he dies, and I'd protest, and it would upset me.  Not so much, anymore. Sad thing is, what if whomever comes along next IS someone who I want for eons and eons?

I don't know. Just thoughts. I think my belief in a lot of this stuff has been shaken beyond repair in the last year and a half. And so I'm guessing that if God really does care about any of this, and if he actually didn't want me to return to my husband (even though the bishop made it quite obvious that my ability to receive personal revelation was seriously in question, and that I should just go home and make the marriage "happy" because the doctrine doesn't matter, which is why I'm back) it was because it would kill my desire to live and believe any of this anymore.

I'm more than floundering.

You're the only one who knows.

I'm stuck. And feigning happiness and fulfillment. And just tolerating where I'm at until I'm no longer here.

2 comments:

  1. Obviously I'm not an expert since I'm still single, but no one should have to live like that. no one. And especially not someone great like you.

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  2. Girlfriend, I am here for you. Call me! Kindred spirits, remember??? I love you! BIG HUGS!

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