Monday, December 10, 2012

Might

My husband hasn't been to church in three weeks. The first of those was because he was with his family in Idaho. The second because he said he was suffering from an ear infection. I haven't spoken to him in depth for over a week, so I don't have his reason for week three, but it is definitely suspect. I was leaving the neighborhood 10:30 p.m. Saturday after tucking my kiddos in bed and I pulled up behind him at a stop light as he was heading west. Not normal.

Ward members are catching on. My bishop instructed me to tell them, "We're having problems, but we're getting help to work through them." 

I have modified my response slightly to include, "One way or another, everything will be okay."

I believe that. But I'm not so naive to believe there isn't difficult growth between point (a) and point (b). One of my favorite scriptures of all time is 2 Nephi 2:11: 

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

Knowing true happiness is contingent on also knowing a great deal of misery and discomfort.

For instance, I'm having pregnancy symptoms. I've done this before and either miscarried very early or menstruated and nothing came of them. My husband is aware of my concerns, and because I know how anti-have-a-child-with-my-wife he is, when I had light spotting yesterday night I texted him to pass along the info that my period came. And then the spotting stopped. I'm three and a half days from when I should have a clear answer, but I'm a bit anxious that this may be implantation bleeding. It's what happened when I miscarried.

A small part of me wants to be pregnant for the sake of loving being in the midst of my higher calling. A larger part of me doesn't know how I would deal with it. I've even thought about giving up a child for adoption should one actually be on the way. I have two couples in my ward in mind.

I'm really looking forward to getting into school. A pregnancy, and the exhaustion that goes along with it, would not be conducive. And selfishly, I don't want to deal with a separation, school, taxiing between South Happy Town where I live and The Arboretum where my kids live to be a good mom, and pregnancy all at once. And I think it's at least somewhat fair that I feel that way.

The sealer who performed my marriage came up to me again in church yesterday and asked, "So are you happy now?"

I thought for a moment. Does he have any idea what is going on? Does he know that in the past week since the Lord told me not to go back to my husband that I've found peace and contentment in focusing on me and my kids? Does he realize that I'm in the same situation now that I was before he sealed me to my husband?

"Yes," I said. "I am happy." I answered him honestly.

"See. I told you happiness was a choice and not dependent on a situation."

Sacrament meeting was focused on 2 Nephi 2:25: 

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. (Italics added.)

The purpose of our lives isn't guaranteed long term, and it doesn't come without leaving the safety of happiness for long enough to recognize that we have found it again once we are back nestled within it's brief, yet satisfying umbrella. And it only comes through obedience to the precepts of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Lately, I do the point (a) to point (b) dance at least two or three times a day.

2 comments:

  1. You are in my prayers - as for the pregnancy - you would be able to handle it my dear. If I can be on the ground every day playing on the ground at 34 weeks you can do a class or two!!! Also I know this might seem weird but I know you are considering institute - have you considered preparing for eternal marriage? I know it seems weird but the teacher at UVU is amazing (Bobby took it from him) and who knows you might find the answers you are searching for there.

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  2. I took it at BYU-Idaho my first year, so I'm not certain whether I'll be able to repeat. I know that I learned enough from it then to know that my marriage is not presently eternal material. But... Read the next post. Prayers are answered.

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