Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Answer to prayer

Last night, before I finally went to bed, I offered prayer that:

1) If I was pregnant and it was meant to "stick" I would get a clear positive on a test.

2) If I was pregnant and it wasn't meant to "stick" that I'd get my period.

3) If I wasn't pregnant I'd get my period.

This morning two hours after a negative test Aunt Flo arrived. Sorry for TMI, but I've never been so happy to hang out with Auntie, ever.

My husband and I tried talking on the phone for 45 minutes last night. Because Facebook tells you how old posts are I know that he was active on social media during that call. I also know that it was obvious that he wasn't engaged in the conversation. This from the man who claims to love and miss me, and who can't live without me.

I called him on it. First he lied. Then he justified. Then he dismissed it as no big deal. Then he apologized that I felt badly even though to him it was no big deal. Then he told me if he wasn't apologizing well enough that he wasn't available to continue conversation.

Before I spoke to him yesterday I met with his counselor. She is agreeable. We visited for almost two hours as she gathered my background and concerns about the problems in my marriage. I shared what I felt were the biggest problems for an hour and a half before she stopped me and said, "So explain to me the issue of having more children."

To which I replied, "Oh. So that's what he's told you this is all about. It doesn't surprise me. That's what he blames for the end of his first marriage."

For the 341st time I launched into the explanation of the interconnection between the marriage being "good" and the in-suppressible desire to bear and raise a child with my husband. I repeat each time with extreme defensiveness because this is a precious issue to me, and so few try to really understand it. I've just about given up trying to explain and receive any validation in return. I'd prefer not sharing it at all anymore.

On departing she asked if I would be willing to meet with my husband. I couldn't have been more hesitant. Counseling with abusers is difficult. In my husband's case, he uses counseling in manipulation against me. I expressed those concerns and she said she would ponder and then let me know if she wanted to proceed.

I offered him dinner tonight. He turned me down. He knows it hurts me, because I told him so. He made excuses of a headache and not wanting a confrontation. I know he'll be on Facebook the moment he walks in the front door.

Some days I'm not certain why I even want to have hope that all of this is fixable.

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