Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Solo, day one

I'm safe.

Where to start? I'm a the library, which seems the only place I'll be able to update SSW for the time being. I'm actually not allowed at present to disclose my housing location. Nor am I allowed to contact my husband, which is difficult. He texted at 9:30 last night asking me, "Please [Gudri] come home and talk to me. Please."

I'm glad I left. I know it was the right thing. But as is usual with domestic violence victims, part of me wants to go back.

My Relief Society President is hugely supportive, having known my husband for sixteen years and, while caring about him, isn't blind to the abuse that is his pattern of conduct in familial relationships.

Might I say for the record... Everything that my husband told me his first wife accused him of and that he subsequently denied, everything, he has also done to me. I've dealt with her on some account, and I realize there is emotional maturing that needs to take place on her side (Who wouldn't be emotionally stunted after 22 years of this treatment?), but my husband's ex is a saintly, strong woman who has sacrificed much for her kids. I have wronged her any time I may have spoken of her in unkindness. I am remiss.

That said, my heart's desire is to be reconciled with my husband. I'm not stupid. I realize that in order for this to happen he must undergo intensive, long-term individualized therapy to overcome learned behaviors that presently he will not acknowledge. He must change. Going back just enables further abusive behavior. I haven't been able to speak to him, so I don't know if this is even a possibility, or even a reasonable hope for the future. But it's where I'm at, and what I want.

What that would entail... A lengthy separation. I have resources available to try and establish housing for myself. My children are all presently with my first ex--bless his heart--and they may stay there for some time. I'm doing my best to stay in close contact with them through texts and phone calls, and I visit as often as I can. For being gone only a day, however, it feels I've been without them for a lifetime. Not having them constantly around, not having the routine of caring for them hampers my spirits. But I've taken children into houses of safety before, and while it is "safe", it is discomforting and not emotionally nor geographically stable when familiar surroundings are. So I'm sacrificing having them with me for their well-being over my own. 

Tomorrow, my first order of business once this root canal* is completed will be to reapply for housing assistance. I've spoken with my bishop who is a phenomenal support. He is hopeful that I would be able to find housing for myself within ward boundaries while I wait out the duration of the separation should my husband agree that a separation with intent to reconcile is what he wants. If he doesn't choose this option then I haven't left my husband; he has abandoned me. (Which runs in line with the emotions I was swamped with last night. It's funny. I don't feel like I am the one who's left.)

My bishop hasn't yet been in contact with my husband, so I am uncertain how my departure may have impacted the situation, for good or ill. What I do know is that I'm being encouraged not to return unless it is absolutely what the Spirit prompts me to do.

And so as friends have asked me what they can do I tell them to pray that inspiration and mental clarity will coincide and that without doubt I will know the Lord's will for me and my family. Also, if those offering prayers in our behalf would pray that my husband's heart be softened... The night before I left my family read the scripture from 1 Nephi 18 where Nephi's brothers had bound him on the ship in crossing to the Promised Land. It came to my mind last night. 

 20 And there was nothing save it were the power of God, which threatened them with destruction, could soften their ahearts; wherefore, when they saw that they were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea they repented of the thing which they had done, insomuch that they loosed me.

I sense the Lord on the conductor's block, baton raised, and a great storm brewing around my husband.

I am free to come and go as I please. I need time in the temple for reflection and spiritual refueling. I need to be there often. I also need my friends around me. If you have my number, please call if you have time available and maybe we could visit the temple together, or hang and pretend like life is normal and it's just girls getting together to be girls.

I love all of you. I feel the strength from your prayers for me. 

Someday, I'm going to be there for all of you in some way or another. These blessings do not go unnoticed.

*I don't have a cavity. A former dentist left a deep filling in my molar which has irritated and caused infection in the nerve of the root. The infection is now destroying the tooth. I'm in the beginning stages of an abscess that the dentist claims wouldn't have been detectable even a week ago on x-ray. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my brushing habits. My ward is covering the cost of all the dental work.

1 comment:

  1. All the time I have to offer now is my lunch break while I'm in Sandy. It isn't much, but I's spread through a lot of things right now. Let me know if I can help or if you'd like to meet up.