Sunday, November 25, 2012

First steps toward what comes next

Remember the whole college threat from a couple of months back? Well, it's gonna happen. The Lord rigged it so that I'd catch on today. 

My home teacher/first counselor in the bishopric gave me a blessing after church today. I was ready to emotionally implode, so it lined up nicely with my goal not to completely lose it this weekend. I have just enough direction and guidance to begin to move into the shadows. 

So first thing tomorrow, I must call University of Northern Jell-O until I reach a bonafide human who can help send my transcript to University of Humble Pie, which (Miss Meliss) I'm diggin' on at the moment. I'm still thinking English with a Creative Writing emphasis unless someone who knows better can change my mind. But I'm in no real hurry to finish any longer. Anything to constructively funnel all this pain and need for patience.

My home teacher/first counselor in the bishopric is also a financial aid guru for a technical school. He has offered to go over my FAFSA with me tomorrow to ensure that I get as much help as I can for living as well as for tuition.

Next item up for bid: To continue to live separate from my children or to hit up the bishop for further help to rent that house that's just opened up around the corner? My husband offered to vacate the house we shared for my use during the separation, which is kind and all. But who's to stop him from moving back if it doesn't work out? I guess I should get a hold of the bishop and ask what he thinks. Under current circumstances my kids are struggling to maintain. I'm struggling to maintain. Maintenance it shall be until we settle on what to do.

I could leave it at that, but tonight I'm feeling a load of resentment again for my husband. I texted him last night that it made no sense that we're in this mess because he hurt me, and instead of doing anything to help he's off playing and basking in the camaraderie of family members who don't have the slightest clue what's gone on and who won't because he's not going to 'fess up to everything he's done. 

I'm hurt. Wounded. I'm trying so hard to have charity and to be forgiving, but in the broad scheme of fair my slice is wanting.

I need to not stay here too long, but I think this is part of healing. Tonight I'm going to allow myself the ache and I'm going to put the responsibility where it belongs.

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